recently i’ve been exploring my tendency to self-abandon. the ways in which i slip down the banana slide of argument, defensiveness, or making my point instead of showing up for the wounded child within me who just needs to be seen and heard and held.
the gift of conflict is that we are able to snap out of our patterns and arrive more fully. in such high stakes, the senses heighten and our habits can become clearer. with enough practice at this (and it is definitely still a practice), i’ve begun to question the other ways in which i engage in self-abandonment.
in what ways do i allow external stimuli or (negative) self-talk to disconnect me from myself? from what i have to offer?
social media scrolling is, without a doubt, the first thing that came to mind. (while ironically i am here making more of it…) but what is the cost, and what of myself am i missing out on in favor of flipping through snippets of someone else’s curated fauxcial media representatives?
we each have. something. are. something. connect to. something. when i practice (not always, but sometimes), when i get quiet with myself, when i connect to nature. these are the times when i can feel it. it’s not “me” exactly. and i can’t even say that it’s mine. but when it shows up, and i show up, the dance births something new and something juicy and something authentic and something that flows and something that has weight and light and something that speaks. and something that connects me more fully to others than anything on the other side of a screen.
and when we can stay ourselves. when we can stay rooted in the relationship to that shimmering life force. but be present with another. this is relationship. this is the profound, transformative, almost alchemical miracle of relationship. we are waging our inner wars together, healing our inner children in front of this small and sacred audience, learning over and over that the depth of our intimacy with another is limited only by the depth of our intimacy with self.
stop. and ask yourself. what are the ways in which my energy diffuses, where my capacity to receive and my ability to give are stymied by distraction, self-doubt, skin picking, drinking, selfies, netflix, porn, fitness obsessions, orthorexia, tinder, video games…where are the places you go to hide from yourself?
and unplug. the word invites two meanings. the practice of disconnecting from screens and digital approximations of reality. but also, unplug. unstopper. open. the channel that connects you to your deepest self and the highest wisdom that is living to move through you.
unplug. surrender. and see what comes. be brave enough to meet yourself.